Black Country comedian Jonny Cole talks Trump, Paris Hilton and The Voice - new column
Warning: A sense of humour is advised when reading this column.
Alright, me muckers...
So 'ere we am in a brand new year, and as tradition would 'ave it, no sooner did the bells chime, we wuz all in the gym quicker than yow con say whey protein.
With yeds full o' fantasies of bronze bodies an' protrudin' belly muscles by the summer, and a fist full of 12-month-minimum gym contracts as a declaration of commitment to an 'ealthier body an' mind, we march into the unknown that is 2018.
But let's ferce it, by the time this column 'as bin vetted an' published by the E and S, yam probably readin' it whilst atin' a BEST and nussing an 'angover...
Kickin' off the year in fine style this month, the President of the United States of America is continuin' his scrap o' werds with the leader of North Korea via the public forum of social media, confermin' that we'm living in very different times, an' the bloke is absolutely crackers...
Donald says 'is button is bigger an' redder - a phrase normally used when describin' 'is yed. It's bin reported that all o' the leaders in the western werld 've contacted dangerous Donald to ask 'im to calm down.
He's also bin rumoured to 'ave received a strungly werded email from Nuno Esperito Santo claimin' that a nuclear war is probably the onny thing that'll prevent Wolves gettin' promoted to the Premier League this season.
On the subject of big red buttons, The Voice is back on our screens and this year sees Olly Murs tek a seat on the judgin' panel, whose experience an' musical insight 'll be invaluable in 'elpin' Tom Jones to decide which young, poor 'opeless they'd like to exploit the most this year.
Meanwhile, the entertainment gossip pages am dominated with the newers surroundin' Paris 'ilton's engagement to actor boyfriend Chris Zylka.
He was reported to have got dahn on one knee on the glamorous slopes o' the Aspen skiing resort in Colorado. Mistaken onlookers fust thought he was searchin' for 'er I.Q. The hotel heiress wuz quoted to have said "I feel like the luckiest gerl in the werld"...
Ah' ve got newers for yow bab.. yow am! Let's ferce it, bless her, if brains was braces, her'd need a belt.
Until next time...
Dow let the buggers get ya dahn.