Liam and Cheryl part ways: 'You're well out of it love' - our girl Cheryl Banks reflects on the split

The good news – although you might not realise it just now – is that you’ve split up with Cheryl Tweedy/ Cole/ Whatever-her-name-was this week.

She was never big enough just for the one-name-only routine à la Madonna or Kylie or Doreen.

Maybe that was a PR trick gone wrong or maybe she was just keeping a blank space open for the next schmuck in the queue.

Thankfully, Liam, that is now no longer you. You’re well out of it. Phew!

The bad news is that, well, you’re still stuck with her for a few more years yet.

Sixteen-and-a-half, roughly, officially, until young Bear turns 18.

Ironically, that will make him four years older than when you first met your ex on an audition for some talent show called X Factor.

Now she’s 35 (Are you sure about that? – Ed) and you’re 24, you’ve both (apparently) come to the conclusion that the age gap between you is too big.

Well, knock me down with a Smash Hits annual. Who could have seen that coming?

Congratulations, young man. You clearly thought this through from the start, just like Cheryl (or ‘Chez’ as you call her) did.

Although, it could probably have done with a bit more family planning.

Now little Bear, is stuck in the middle – even though you both describe him as ‘your world’. He’s in a broken home before he even leaves nappies, the poor mite.

He’s the one I really feel sorry for.

It’s quite right that you’ve asked people to respect his privacy (with him being a baby and all that), but the bigger question is . . . Will you?

How long before one of you (and I think we know which one) starts appearing in trashy celeb magazines, bouncing the tot on their knee and either a) wailing about their broken heart or b) banging on about being a strong, single parent?

(It’s much easier to be strong with millions in the bank and a live-in nanny, I suppose.)

Could it possibly be that a baby was all that the lovely Cheryl wanted from this relationship from the start?

If she really is only 35, no doubt her body clock has been ticking louder and LOUDER over the past few years.

But what to do?

Maybe the timing wasn’t right with husband Number One (the lovely Ashley Cole) or with flash-in-the-pan restaurateur Number Two (Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini). But now, with young Liam?

It was all more in sync than a miming girlband.

Chez’s ‘singing’ career has basically been dead for years. But let’s not knock the girl, for someone who can barely hold a note, she’s done very well for herself.

How so? Well, chuck, there’s no denying that she’s got the looks.

But, unlike the 1D song, Liam, my God, does she know she’s beautiful? Just a bit, pet!

Whether it’s pointlessly flirting for the cameras with Simon Cowell or tussling your hair on a night out, Chez knows full well that her perfectly crafted, dimply smile can hook gullible men in to her Geordie, errrr, ‘charm’.

You’ve probably guessed by now that I’m not exactly a fan.

Can’t sing, can’t dance, helped kill off her own prime-time show.

But I respect her, I really do; for someone with limited talent – and a criminal past, don’t forget – to have achieved so much says a lot for her determination and pragmatism along the way.

Either that, or it says a lot about modern society that someone with so little obvious talent can become such a ‘celebrity’.

Such is the tawdry value we seem to be placing on looks these days.

But you, Liam, you were the one we liked best, you were the grooviest dressed.

Most of all, you were the one who could sing.

We realised pretty quickly you couldn’t dance, but it didn’t matter.

One Direction was a phenomenon and you were presented as The Sensible One.

Not only that, you were one of Us; from the Black Country. We loved the way you went to Wolverhampton College and still came home and ate at the Penn Tandoori. Sometimes, in the early days, you were even spotted just wandering around Dudley Street.

Where did it all go wrong?

Why do you look so far removed from the chirpy chappy who made us so proud?

Why, despite all the money and the fame, do you tend to look so miserable?

Surely, you’re not that big a Baggies fan to be upset that they went down?

Is it the tattoos? Are you having regrets? Do you miss Harry?

So many questions, Liam.

But when the dust settles and you look back on this, I’m betting you’ll see it as a very lucky escape.

And then the only question will be why were you daft enough to ever be with her in the first place?

Anyhow, keep your chin up love and if you need perking up, I’ll see you in the Posada for a G&T.