Express & Star

Andy Richardson: Crisps have made the world a happier and better place

Crisps. The breakfast of champions. The food of Gods. A reason for Gary Lineker to pick up another bumper pay packet and enough to put a smile on the face of a vegan. Just about. If the greatest thinkers were to create a list of inventions that made the world a happier, better place; crisps would assuredly feature in the top five.

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Crisps have made the world a happier and better place

In many ways, the world’s greatest inventions and discoveries tie in neatly with crisps. If we take the creation of the world wide web, for instance, Tim Berners-Lee was of course simply providing us with a new way to buy crisps. Yes, the internet allows us to communicate with our brothers and sisters around the world, it allows surgeons to perform life-saving operations, security experts to keep us safe and enables us to discover a new sense of place. But, in truth, the real benefit of Berners-Lee’s invention was the facility to buy Torres Premium Spanish Crisps, available at the click of a mouse.

Electricity was a key invention of the late 19th century. While the the notion of electricity had been around for hundreds of years before, the ability to harness that power came later. As did the idea of electric engineering. Sure, the use of candles dropped, but electricity not only enabled light to reach formerly dark spaces, but sparked a wave of energy use that powered nations. And powering nations led to the creation of crisp factories so that we could all enjoy our favourite snacks while on the go, rather than having to cook them in hot oil in a kettle. There you have it. Well done Mr Electric.

There are those who think the discovery of penicillin in 1928 ought to rank highly. They have a point. Although it wasn’t used widely until after World War II, the modern day miracle cured disease and prevented widespread deaths. Again, the discovery was leading to a place of joy. And that joy was the ability to enjoy crisps. While there is not yet a penicillin-flavoured crisp, doctors on a small island in the South Pacific are presently working on a new product in which salt’n’vinegar flavoured penicillin is dusted onto olive oil-fried crisps that are then dispensed to the sick. Eat crisps – get well. Hallelujah. It’s a miracle.

The creation of the optical lens revolutionised life. Egyptians sort of unearthed the ability to reflecting light through glass, though it wasn’t until the 13th century that precision and in-depth crafting of the method took hold. The invention pushed man’s reach even further, into the unseen world via microscopes and telescopes – not to mention really good reading glasses for those who are getting on. And it is reading glasses that provides our link back to crisps. For many are those in number who have allergies and need to read the small print to make sure their crisps don’t contain nuts. (Really, they ought to know crisps don’t contain nuts. Nuts come in packets of, um, nuts). Anyway, I digress. Crisps are quite obviously the most important discovery that the world has ever known. A bringer of joy and love to all men, women, children, dogs and cats (well, ours eat crisps, though only one or two – we don’t want them putting on any weight, now do we?)

A Shropshire farmer has hit paydirt by striking a deal with one of Britain’s best crisp manufacturers – Pipers – by providing their cows as seasoning. Now, that’s quite a leap from saying: Pipers Great Berwick Organic Beef Flavour crisps, I admit. But the deal is done, the ink has dried and the crisps are going to be hitting the shelves soon. Sadly, they’ve not yet hit our desk – and we’d rather hoped Pipers or Great Berwick would send us a box for office consumption, I mean, research. But, no. We will queue at our local sandwich shop, just like everyone else.

They’ve not stipulated how they managed to get the flavour of Great Berwick Organic Beef onto a crisp, other than to say it was challenging and technical. And here at Weekend Towers, we’ve wondered whether they literally had to roast an ox before drying it out, grinding it down to powder then sprinkling it onto crisp slices of fried potato. Who can say? One thing is for sure, the crisps will taste better if we simply think about the cows roaming pasture-rich fields outside Shrewsbury, rather than being roasted and ground down by scientists wearing blue gloves and facemasks.

The world’s best crisp, incidentally, is Cheetos. A survey of 142,000 crisp eaters voted those ahead of Cool Ranch Doritos, Lays Classic Potato Chips and Ruffles Cheddar Sour Cream. Idiots, of course. All 142,000 of them. Everybody knows that the world’s top five is as follows: Torres black truffle, Slabs salt and vinegar, Tyrrells posh prawn cocktail, Marks and Spencer’s beef wellington and Pipers Great Berwick Organic Beef flavour. Case closed.

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