Blog: The best and worst of Wolves' loanees
When you are drinking in the last-chance saloon of a relegation battle, you need all the help you can get on the pitch, writes Wolves blogger Tim Spiers.
And manager Dean Saunders has been trying his damndest to accrue some loan signings to help us in our fight against having to pay visits to the Broadfield Stadium, the Matchfield Stadium and Huish Park next season.
It's fair to say he's found this task more difficult than trying to wean owner Steve Morgan off watching episodes of Bread during board meetings at Molineux.
Why any young Premier League starlet earning £30,000 a week wouldn't want to swap the comfort of a heated bench for trying to latch onto Karl Henry's sand wedge through balls is beyond me.
But when you can't even snare Burnley hit-man Martin Paterson – scorer of five in 32 this season – in on loan, you are struggling. It hasn't always been this way though.
Over the years a plethora of loan signings have made their way through the Molineux door, which conveniently can be split neatly into four categories.
The Good: -
The litmus test for whether a loan signing is any good has got nothing to do with his technique, or how many goals he's scored, or whether we can afford him.
It's whether the South Bank has started singing "sign him up, sign him up, sign him up" or not. In a few cases this has become reality.
Adlene Guedioura would be a recent example, after a few virtuoso displays of positivity during our 2009-10 fight against the Premier League drop.
Michael Kightly would be another, but the ultimate loan-to-permanent transition was the late and very great Dean Richards, for whom the word 'majestic' was invented.
So good was 'Deano' towards the back end of 1994-95 that Graham Taylor had no qualms splashing out £1.8million for one of the best defenders never to play for England.
Other examples would be Kenny Miller, bought for £3million, and Dean Sturridge, a bargain £350,000 after a hat-trick on his home debut.
There were also a couple who at that time were far too good for us to be snared permanently.
Allan Nielsen was, so was Tom Huddlestone, David Connolly wasn't, but deserves an honorary mention for scoring four in one game at Bristol City.
Perhaps it was meant to be that way – sometimes you can have too much of a good thing and the memory of the following two players will never be tarnished in my mind.
I give you Mark Walters, then of Liverpool, who could score curling beauties from the edge of the box in his sleep, and perhaps the definitive successful loan signing – 'Super' Guy Whittingham.
He had netted 48 goals for Portsmouth the previous season but a big move to Aston Villa was a failure and Whittingham was dispatched to Molineux to rediscover his mojo.
Cue eight goals in 13 games and endless chants of "Super Guy the Soldier" due to his former career in the army. Magic.
Then came the breaking of this then nine-year-old lad's heart when we had absolutely no sway to buy him in the summer.
The Bad: -
They arrive in a blaze of glory, brought in to add quality to the ranks and earn a permanent move.
Many come from Premier League reserve sides with 'something to prove,' but all they end up proving is that they are utter dross.
And let's be honest there are plenty of examples here. Chief among them being Jermaine Pennant.
He came, barely broke a sweat, didn't score a goal, hardly beat a defender with a cross, stuck two fingers up to the fans and left.
Nice work, Jermaine, nice work. But he still wasn't the worst, oh lordy no.
That honour could – could – go to Kevin Kyle, Robin van der Laan, Nigel Quashie, Robbie Slater, Sami Al-Jaber, Carlton Cole or Jens Dowe. But it actually goes to Simon Coleman.
A defender so bad, so hapless and so error-prone he made Frank Spencer look like Shaft's whiter, cooler, sexier, smoother brother.
The Anonymous: -
In a world where statistics, targets and quantities are fretted over more than substances, style or qualities – these are the guy who made up the numbers. Badly. And were never seen again.
Guilherme Finkler anyone? Jesus Sanjuan? Marcus Bent? Well, yes. But king in this category is the back-up goalkeeper.
It's such a certainty that Marian Kello will be added to this that I'd stake my house - I don't own a house, but if I did I would - my life savings, my job, my possessions and my Kelly Brook-themed copy of FHM from 1999 on it.
For now though scratch your head, jog your memory and try to remember a single save made by of these glove-clad good-for-nothing bench-warmers.
Andy Marshall, Marlon Beresford, Stephen Bywater, Danny Milosevic, Graham Stack, Carlo Nash, Andy Petterson, Jorgen Nielsen , Stefan Postma, Jan Budtz and Shane Higgs anyone. Nope, me neither!
The Ugly: -
Darren Peacock. That is all. Any more for any more? Suggestions below if you would be so kind.
