Express & Star

It seems my presence isn't present enough

On payday this week, I didn't do a little celebratory yelp and I didn't high-five a colleague.

Published

I didn't do my monthly sweep of band merchandise websites or book hotels or train tickets to British wrestling shows in obscure parts of the UK, writes Kirsty Bosley.

I couldn't feel excited at all, because one huge dark shadow hung over me like a Harry Potter Dementor – sucking all happiness from my life and replacing it with gloom.

I haven't done my Christmas shopping and I'm running out of time.

I know how badly this makes me sound like Scrooge, but I can't shake the worry.

I'm mistrustful of online shopping (did I ever tell you about that time I ordered the wrong prescription glasses from an online optician and only realised when a pair of jam jars arrived on my doorstep?). I also get very anxious at the thought that I'm buying someone something that they'll hate.

Why spend money on things that are going to sit in the cupboard until they're given away/chucked in the bin? I'd rather give the money to charity or spend it on a variety of cheeses for myself.

The only option is to ask your loved ones for a list of things they want. Then you wrap them up to masquerade it all as a surprise and they unwrap them to faux shock.

The idea of it fills me with no joy.

I had a moment of wonderment in Vienna a few weeks back when I saw on the Christkindlmarkt the perfect gift for my best friend. I handed over my euros and skipped back to England feeling like the business. I can't wait for her to open it on Christmas Day and I love to see people chuffed, especially if it's my actions that bring them that happiness.

I just hate all of the stress that comes with it. What are we doing? Gone are the days of our loved ones feeling happy with a few oranges and chocolate coins in their stockings. We have lists of electronic thingamajigs and flashing, bleeping whatjamacallits and we pay through the nose to get them.

I wrote down a list of all of the people that I love that I wanted to treat. I calculated that if I was to spend just £10 on each person, it'd work out to being an utterly ludicrous amount to spend. I take no pleasure in the bustle of Christmas shopping and I hate the pressure to get things right.

My loved ones are amazing and wonderful and I would do anything for them. If I could magic up the perfect gifts for them all, then I would.

Instead, I have to face queues and stress, tackling other shoppers for things I'm not sure they'll even like and then returning home to a month of penny pinching because I spent all my money on gifts.

I think we're all missing the point of Christmas. As a strong-minded atheist, I never really signed-up for its traditional meaning in the first place (though I flipping love carols), but these days there's just no joy in it.

I know my friends and family wouldn't hate me for not spending and spending this year, they're all ace. But I couldn't face going to their houses on Christmas Day empty handed. What kind of person would that make me? My presence isn't present enough.

It seems I cannot win.

So whilst I'm here, I'd like a Kindle, a new telly and a new rug for the living room, please.

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