The Great British getaway begins - Check out our guide to traffic hotspots

The grating, monotonous tone of a sweaty, Fruit Shoot-spilling, selfish little oaf on the back seat of a car stuck in yet another traffic queue is not – "are we nearly there yet?"

But for thousands of parents, this is the fate that awaits them this weekend as the great British summer getaway begins.

Awaiting us are holidays in the sun, fingers crossed, sandy beaches and slightly overpriced ice cream. But to get there we have a gauntlet of roadworks to run first.

As many as 97,000 passengers are expected to go through Birmingham Airport between today and next Wednesday, an increase of two per cent on the same time last year.

Passengers will be flying off to Barcelona, Madrid, Menorca and Tenerife, among many other city breaks to places like Amsterdam and New York.

Drivers heading to France via Calais would be well-advised to think carefully about how they come back as well.

They have been urged to not use motorway rest areas and to fill up with petrol in advance because migrants wanting to make the journey to Britain are getting increasingly desperate.

More than 8,000 attempts by illegal migrants to travel to Britain had been intercepted in just three weeks between June 21 and July 11.

There is going to be a secure zone created for UK-bound lorries that will hold 200 vehicles. The number of migrants in Calais is now estimated to have reached 5,000 – up from around 600 in January.

M54, both ways, between junctions one and three – roadworks closing one lane, delays of 10 minutes

M54, both ways, between junction three and five – roadworks, delays of 10 minutes.

M5, southbound at junction J4 – roadworks closing three lanes, delays of 10 minutes, between 9pm and 6am.

M6, northbound, between junctions 10 and 11 – roadworks closing two lanes, delays of 10 minutes, between 9.30pm and 6am.

M6, northbound, between junctions 12 and 13 – road shut due to resurfacing, between 10 pm and 6 am.

M6, both ways, between junctions 13 and 10A – roadworks, delays of 10 minutes to 30 minutes.

M6, southbound, junction 9 – roadworks, the entry slip road will be closed.

M6, southbound, junction 8 – roadworks, exit slip road closed.

A5, Cannock to Harpenden – roadworks, road closed between junctions with A38 and M42, between 8pm tonight and 6am tomorrow.

A5, Telford West towards Welsh border – roadworks, road closed between junctions with M54 and A49 east of Shrewsbury, between 8pm and 6am.

M40, southbound, junction 12 – roadworks, exit slip road closed, between 9.30am and 6pm.

M42, northbound, junctions 2 and 3 – roadworks, closed 9pm tonight-6am tomorrow.

M42, both ways, between junctions 7 and 9 – resurfacing, delays of 10 minutes 9pm-6am.

A38, from M1 towards Sutton Coldfield between A5121 Burton Upon Trent South and the A513 – roadworks, delays of 10 minutes.

A38, from Sutton Coldfield towards The M1 between the junctions with the A513 and the A5121 Burton Upon Trent South – roadworks, delays of 10 minutes.

A45, Coventry South to M45, between junctions with the A46 Coventry East and the A4071 – roadworks, delays of 10 minutes.

A46, between Coventry and the M5 – roadworks, road closed between A45 Coventry East and A428, between 8pm and 5.25am.

A500, northbound, between junctions with A5007 and A53 – roadworks, delays of 10 minutes between 8pm tonight and 6am tomorrow.

But before anyone can soar off to sunnier climes or float over to France, they have to get to the airport or ferry first.

The Highways Agency has been poring over its statistics for the past three years' summer holiday traffic – blimey, they know how to live – and think they have found the routes that are going to be the busiest and the worst times to go on them.

Roads to ports and airports are the most popular. Seriously, we could have told them this. Especially those to Manchester Airport, Dover and Folkestone. But the worst time to try to go is lunchtime this weekend.

It'll be a similar picture for the August bank holiday too, the weekend of the 22 to the 25, along the east and west coasts of England, and for anyone travelling to Gatwick or Heathrow. Again, the worst time to travel is lunchtime.

The Highways Agency says it is trying to finish as many roadworks as it possibly can during the bank holiday and will lift those that it cannot complete, as long as it is safe.

This weekend, however, expect the M54 to be its usual unforgiving slog with 50mph limits enforced by average speed cameras and lane closures between junctions one and three, Wolverhampton to Cosford, and lane closures on the M6 between junctions 10 and 11.

It gets worse further up between junctions 12 and 13, near Cannock and Stafford, if you're trying to travel at night. Two lanes are shut between 10pm and 6am until Sunday.

And forget trying to use the southbound entry slip road at Junction 9 of the M6 near Wednesbury too. That's not due to re-open until well into November.

Simon Sheldon-Wilson, director of traffic management at the Highways Agency, said: "We'll be doing all we can during the summer to ensure road users get to their destinations smoothly and safely. Our traffic officers will also be on hand to clear incidents from the roads and get traffic moving as soon as possible.

"Inevitably there will be times where routes become congested, and many people will be driving on unfamiliar roads, so we ask road users to help themselves by planning ahead to avoid peak times, using our journey planning tools and allowing enough time for their journeys. It's also vital people check and maintain their vehicles before setting off.

"A single preventable breakdown can cause chaos for thousands – and congestion costs the economy an estimated £3 billion every year."

While drivers will grumble about the roadworks, the Highways Agency says a sizeable chunk of incidents it deals with are down to people not taking the right precautions with their cars. Around 9,300 of the 115,014 incidents it handled between July and September last year were preventable. There were 8,712 to do with tyres, while 588 were people running out of fuel.

Peter Rodger, chief examiner of the Institute of Advanced Motorists (IAM), said: "A major cause of breakdown is running out of fuel.

"Check that – and while you're doing it, water, oil and tyres – and you will be well on the way to preventing a breakdown that could make your summer getaway an unpleasant experience instead of the brilliant one you hoped for."

Birmingham Airport spokeswoman Francesca Baller said: "The school holidays are upon us, with some schools having broken up already and the majority breaking up on Friday. The Airport is set to welcome 97,000 passengers between Friday and next Wednesday, an increase of two per cent on the same period last year.

"Popular destinations include Barcelona, Madrid, Sharm el-Sheikh, Menorca and Tenerife, as well as European weekend breaks to Amsterdam, Paris and Dublin. Further afield, Dubai and New York are top of the list, and with the extra capacity on both of these routes, passengers are making the most of the summer holidays.

"For those travelling, remember all the essentials; that you have filled out your Advanced Passenger Information required for many countries, that you have your valid passport with you upon arrival at the airport and remember to leave plenty of time for travel. All liquids over 100ml need to be packed in your hold luggage, for any liquids smaller than 100ml these need to be in a resealable bag. Remember all electrical devices need to be charged and switched on."

Oh, and don't forget your toothbrush.