Walsall blogger Mark Jones translates in Saddlers speak the letter he received ahead of the upcoming visit of Leeds to the Banks’s Stadium.

A lot of people get confused with statements that come out of the club, but fortunately after many many years I’m fluent in Walsall speak. Take this letter I received recently regarding the upcoming Leeds game.

To wit:  Dear Season Ticket Holder (You’ve paid good money for a Season Ticket and we’ve got some bad news for you.)

Following meetings with West Midlands Police, it has been decided that for safety and operational reasons, Leeds supporters will be allocated the whole of the Homeserve and West Bromwich Building Society Stands.

(There’s more chance of selling all those seats to Leeds fans because you lot aren’t turning up at the moment, so we’re hiding behind safety and something we’ve just made up called ‘operational’ reasons.

We’re also hoping you won’t remember last season’s Leeds game, or all the other big games at home over the years where we haven’t had to sell tickets for ‘home’ areas, because plenty of Walsall fans wanted to go, therefore we won’t ask why this game is any different.)

This arrangement means that you will be allocated alternative seats for this game. Please find enclosed three Seat Tickets for the Floors-2-Go upper tier.

(No choice, no matter that you sit along the touchline in the second row close to pitchside, no matter that if you actually wanted to go in the top tier you would have bought tickets there anyway, here’s some tickets right at the back of the stand miles from the pitch.)

Please enter the stadium via Turnstiles C/D. (Even though it says A-B on the ticket) You are invited to use the stadium suite before the game and at half time, where a licensed bar and catering service will be available. A lunchtime match will be shown on the giant TV Screen.

(Just because we’re turfing you out of your seat doesn’t mean you can’t spend more of your hard-earned cash.

You don’t normally go in this part of the ground, so therefore you must be completely ignorant of all our shiny facilities with their new-fangled technology, so we’ll take this opportunity to patronise you.)

We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause, and hope you have an enjoyable afternoon at the Banks’s Stadium. (It would look really bad if we didn’t at least try to say sorry, fingers crossed we don’t let in another last minute goal!)

Best Regards (So don’t moan at me, ok?)

Roy Whalley
Secretary
(Someone has to take responsibility for this situation, not enough to actually sign the letter though.)

So there you have it, at least I’m lucky enough to be offered an actual seat. My mate who’s disabled has been shoved in the ‘viewing area’ of the Bonser Suite, that’ll really give him a taste of the big-match atmosphere.

The contrast between this season’s meeting with Leeds and their last visit a year and a month ago, also on a winter Saturday, couldn’t be greater.

Why things have gone so badly wrong for the Saddlers in the intervening time is a question that ought to be answered by someone high up in the club.

If they ever do, I’ll be on hand to translate.