Here’s a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending December 12.

A FRIEND made a beautiful little video of the two of us sailing my boat on a bright autumn day and he posted it on YouTube. There, by the miracle of the microchip, it is filed alongside similar videos of similar boats, doing similar things. And right next to a video entitled “Live sex hot babe dancing.” I do not entirely see the connection.

TALKING of which, have a look on YouTube at the animated film Simon’s Cat – Let Me In. It says more about the eternal human/cat/door dilemma than words ever can.

I WONDER if it occurred to the global-warming campaigners huddled on the tarmac at Stansted  that it was just a tad, er, cold. Did they recall that we have already had snow twice this winter and a run of hard frosts? Or that in Europe the ski resorts are opening early because the snow is so good? Or that 2008 looks like being the coldest year so far this century? In fact, no global warming has been recorded since 1998. I was denounced on a website recently for not believing in global warming and I plead sort-of-guilty. It is hard to believe in something when you can’t see it or feel it and the promises of the global-warming lobby evaporate like morning mist. They promised us hot, dry summers and mild, wet winters. We have had precisely the opposite. Now the experts tell us that cyclical climate effects mean there will be no global warming until 2014. Is there any other area of human activity which threatens things, and then re-schedules the threats when nothing happens? Of course there is. We call it religion. Repent, for the end of the world is nigh. Or nigh-ish. 

TALKING of which, I was in the New Forest at the weekend for a wedding, and was reminded once again of the terrible things the Church has done to some wonderful parts of the Bible. The reading was from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels” etc). The glorious poetry and imagery of the old Authorised Version has been re-written in the sort of memorandum one borough surveyor might send to another. I was surprised it did not begin: “Dear Corinthians, with reference to yours of the 14th inst . . . .”

I MUST be a little behind the times. I was not aware that congregations now applaud the bride and groom. A colleague admits he was taken a little by surprise when, at one CofE wedding, the service was suddenly enlivened by the church’s bubble machine.  PSYCHOLOGISTS report that dogs can feel emotions such as jealousy and pride. Now tell us something we don’t know. A friend popped into Chateau Rhodes to take care of things while we were away. His labrador followed him into the kitchen and caught him in the act of feeding our cat. He says he has seen many expressions on that dog’s face before, but never quite such a blend of shock, bewilderment and sheer betrayal.

REJOICE. It is revealed that the National Health Service  made a surplus of more than £2,000 million in 2007. So where do we collect our divvy?

I HAVE had a steady stream of calls from the sort of people we used to call thrifty. They have saved a few thousand quid for the hard times and now find their savings accounts paying tiny rates. One old chap with £40,000 saved says he  is seriously considering blowing the lot on a luxury limo. Bereft of savings he would then qualify for pension supplement, housing benefit and all the other good things showered on people who have never saved a penny.

INCIDENTALLY, the least you might expect is a letter informing you the savings rate has been cut. A reader says he challenged his building society who explained: “We always put a notice on the office door.”

ON SUNDAY the Taliban calmly poured petrol over 200 British and US vehicles in a depot in Pakistan and torched the lot. Millions of pounds’ worth of jeeps, trucks and supplies went up in smoke. The very next day, finding it so easy the first time,  the Taliban returned and destroyed another 100  vehicles. Good to see our taxes being spent so wisely.

UNDER new sentencing guidelines, English courts have been ordered to take a lenient view of burglars or robbers motivated by “desperation or need” such as a drug habit.  As a reporter I sat through hundreds of criminal cases. Take it from me, the mitigation: “I was stone-cold sober, I’ve never touched drugs in my life and I just fancied nicking something ’cos I’m an idle, greedy bastard” is hardy ever used.

WHO exactly will benefit from Gordon Brown’s so-called agreement with the nation’s eight biggest lenders? He says there will be help for “hard-working families” hit by the recession. But if you lose your job, how can you be hard-working? This is either a clumsy use of words or the nastiest little Catch-22 we have seen for some time.

I COLLECTED the Christmas tree from the farm we always use. The lady in charge tells me they started selling trees on November 15. It seems unbelievably early. When does Xmas-fatigue set in? On the 40th day of Christmas my true love sent to me . . . .

THE Yanks are doing what the Brits did 30-odd years ago. They are pumping public money into the motor industry in the hope of keeping it afloat. Perhaps they should study our history more closely. Public ownership of British Leyland did not merely delay the inevitable. It also unleashed some of the nastiest, rattliest old bangers ever to grace the showrooms. Let’s send General Motors the blueprints for the Morris Ital.

BRILLIANT start to the festive season at a concert by the folk group Joglaresa performing medieval carols on ye olde instruments. I was particularly intrigued by the sheer simplicity of the traditional Middle East bagpipes. Take one sheep, scoop out the contents, turn inside-out, sew a mouthpiece into the neck-hole and . . . I do apologise. I had no idea you were reading this over tea.

* Has this whetted your appetite for more of Peter’s gems? Make sure you read his column every day by picking up a copy of the Express & Star.