I like a bit of healthy competition as much as the next man/woman, writes blogger Andy Toft.

But I’ve never understood the vein-popping demonstrations of testosterone-fuelled,mine’s-bigger-than-your’s appendage waving that often accompany sporting pursuits.

It’s not that I lack a killer instinct – ask the lad I beat in the 1988 Staffordshire Table Tennis Association cadet ranking tournament to claim a spot at the equivalent national event.

My forehand topspin left him quite literally crying in his mummy’s embrace – how we lost an empire I’ll never guess.

And it’s true I’ve revelled in the crossfire of dressing room banter amid the intoxicating waft of Deep Heat and fresh mud.

But my commitment to whatever sport I’m playing falls a good degree short of open aggression.

I’ve always considered those who cross that line to be intellectually lacking and trying to compensate for a deficiency in another crucial area.

And so it was my misfortune at the weekend to find myself lining up on an indoor go-karting track alongside several individuals who apparently didn’t share my more measured approach to leisure pursuits.

I was there with friends Dude and Debbie – the evening set up as an outing for Debbie’s workmates.

Now that would have been fine but for the fact that there were other groups also at the track – some of them who viewed the night as a fair degree more serious than a bit of a laugh before the beer drinking.

My suspicions were immediately raised by one fella who was wearing his own racing gear – suit, boots and helmet with tinted visor.

Somehow I suppressed the urge to comment: “Pretty boots mate, does your thong match?” – guessing that despite his comical appearance the very fact he’d dared venture out wearing that get-up was firm proof of him having no sense of humour.

To be fair the evening started pretty well, despite the absence of a bar (well it was Friday for heaven’s sake).

I enjoyed the five practice laps we were all allowed to get used to kart and track.

And despite my early prediction that I would be utterly useless I was pleased with my performance in the first couple of heats.

But gradually the nonsense descended as some drivers gave up any attempt to overtake by normal racing means, preferring merely to barge into fellow karters.

You could smell the testosterone beginning to ferment, at which point my interest in the whole affair vanished and thoughts turned solely to the night’s first beer (I did mention it was Friday didn’t I?).

Things deteriorated in the final – for which I unsurprisingly didn’t qualify – with a mass pile-up on the first lap which led to increased fury and consternation amongst the participants.

It all seemed such a waste of pent-up aggression.

“Let’s not fight each other chaps,” I wanted to cry. “If you’re feeling that angry let’s track down that smug sod Gary Barlow and give him the shoein’ he’s been asking for all these years – and maybe we’ll drop in on Vernon Kay on the way back.”

Instead, with the racing over I retreated to the changing rooms to dispose of my racing clobber, aware that behind me a solitary Japanese lad was remonstrating furiously with a small mob who were a tad irked by his race tactics.

How they managed to wedge their slanting foreheads into the helmets provided is anyone’s guess.

On the balance of things I would take to the karting track again.

But only with a few subtle rule changes.

First a PE teacher should be hired to act as race marshall and force anyone arriving with own gear to drive in just their pants.

Second, all competitors should be forced to carry with them a flask of tea from which they are expected to draw and drink two regulation cup fulls during designated stops along the way (a rule which could be expanded to include the consumption of cheese and pickle sandwiches and a French fancy) – this I believe would have a calming effect on events.

Third – anyone barging into another racer should be forced out of their kart and ordered to run the remainder of the race in stilettos.

I am willing to consider further rule changes.