What was it the mighty Meat Loaf sang? Two out of three ain’t bad, writes Carl Jones.
Well for me, it was a rather less impressive seven out of 13 . . . that’s how many Big Brother ‘celebrity’ housemates I can, hand on heart, say I actually recognised as they stepped out of the shadows for the new reality TV freak show.
Eat your heart out Nick Knowles. The Channel Five team completed a dramatic DIY SOS transformation of the sprawling house in the couple of days since Welshman Sam Evans won the non-celeb series last week.
So who’s snapped up the cash for the three-week celeb show this time, and is there an intriguing incendiary mix waiting to explode?
First up came lithping Louis Thpenthe from Pineapple Dance Studios, quite possibly the most annoying attention seeker on British television. Can he really be so hyperactively camp 24 hours a day? Early signs are that, shock horror, he does actually stop writhing and talking. Occasionally.
Then we had sex change blonde antiques expert Lauren Harries. Looking like Dr Frankenstein’s tribute to Danny La Rue, she proclaimed: “I want to bring some sex appeal into the house.” Er, good luck with that one, love.
Sophie Anderton, the wild child former Wonderbra model who’s already had a reality TV meltdown in I’m A Celebrity, emerged next. She says she’s changed. Producers must be hoping not. Actually, in Celebrity Big Brother terms, she seems surprisingly normal.
Bruce Jones and Vicky Entwistle – better known as Les and Janice Battersby from Corrie – showed none of the arrogance of their best known characters. Vicky’s already cast herself as the caring mother hen, and must be the early favourite to win.
Courtney Stodden (who?) certainly has no problem on the confidence front. The impossibly implanted American teenager’s only ‘talent’ is having married a 50-year-old film star at the age of 16. Nuff said.
Abz from Five (or Four, if you saw them on the Big Reunion tour) was a surprise package; nowhere near as abrasive as many may have expected, he’s a complex, potentially cheeky chappie. A dark horse, is Abz.
Dustin Diamond, an American stand-up comic who starred in a show called Saved By The Bell, then entered the fray, admitting he knew little about UK life. The feeling was mutual, mate. But to be fair, he seems quite quiet and considered, for a cousin from across the Pond.
Which is more than can be said for potty mouthed Charlotte Letitia Crosby, from MTV show Geordie Shore. A crude, crass, and thoroughly unpleasant specimen. Her parents must be so proud.
Continuing the trend of reality TV stars on a reality TV show, Mario Falcone, bad boy from The Only Way Is Essex, described himself as “100 per cent single”. Not surprising that, given that he appears to spend most of his time test-driving sports cars . . . or doing his hair.
Of course, no Celeb BB is complete without a Loose Woman. Denise Welch and Coleen Nolan had notorious encounters in previous years, and Carol McGiffin certainly seems to have taken a leaf out of the Janet Street Porter book of diplomacy.
And finally, good luck to the Star’s football columnist, the outspoken, opinionated, larger than life Big Ron Atkinson, who appeared to be desperately searching out opportunities for a bit of down to earth man-talk.
What do you mean, that’s only 12 housemates? OK then, for the record, I wonder who dropped out at the last minute to give botox business nobody Danielle Marr, from some obscure Irish chat show Dublin Wives, the final spot?