Express & Star

The second North Sea Oil boom

Blogger of the Year PETER RHODES on doomed predictions, dim Yanks and the value of underpants.

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A READER reminds me that I omitted one item from last week's list of things a cultured man does not do. A cultured man does not cut the feet off his wife's tights and wear them as thermal socks. Happy to make that clear.

WORDS that come back to haunt you. In March 2013 Nicola Sturgeon, now leader of the SNP, declared: "To-day we are on the verge of a second North Sea Oil boom." Oops.

STURGEON based her prediction on "a cautious estimate" of oil selling at 113 dollars a barrel. Today it's less than 50 dollars, a reminder that of all the substances known to mankind, oil is by far the most slippery.

SO is there rejoicing and relief that Scotland did not vote to become an oil-fuelled little republic in last September's referendum? Not exactly. Judging from the online chatter, attitudes have hardened. A nation divided.

STEVEN Emerson, an American "expert" on terrorism, declared that Birmingham, England, is "totally Muslim, where non-Muslims just simply don't go in." Although Emerson has apologised profusely, his gaffe has unleashed a fund of tales about American ignorance of the world. There are anecdotes of Yanks who think Wales is in Canada, or Scotland is somewhere in Montana. I had a colleague who worked in a tourist resort in Colorado. Her boss, a college-educated American, said he hoped to visit England one day. He added that he wasn't entirely sure where England was, except he knew it was somewhere in France. Oh, how we English guffaw at our ill-educated American cousins. Those poor Yanks know so little of the world while we know so much.

OR do we? It has been announced that the Chinese president, the leader of the world's biggest nation, is to visit Britain later this year. So what do you think his name is . . . ?

THERE are times when the usual words are useless. All you can do when looking at Tommy Caldwell and Kevin Jorgeson scaling the 3,000 foot vertical wall of El Capitan over 19 days is to stand and stare, open-mouthed and silent, in absolute disbelief. I've tried putting it into words but the language really isn't suitable for a family newspaper.

I FOUND a curious column on male health the other day. Written by a woman, it suggested that the male of the species would be much healthier, and far more fertile, if he did not wear underpants. This may be supported by science and it may well make perfect sense to a woman health expert. But it leaves one small but hazardous word out of the equation, instantly understood by every bloke. Zips.

A READER tells me he made an online purchase and was offered no fewer than 21 forms of address to choose from, ranging from plain Mr to Lord. My advice is to cross them all out and insert "His Serene Magnificence." What's the worst that can happen?

THE Charlie Hebdo debate rumbles on. I cannot be the only journalist getting a wee bit hacked off at being accused of cowardice by people who do not even use their name (e.g. "It is a thousand pities that every branch of the media has not used the image and been stronger" - Captain Starlight). There are none so courageous as the anonymous.

THE Chinese President is Xi Jinping. But of course, you knew that all along.

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