When Sophie Ellis-Bextor puts her best foot forward in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing on Friday night, it has the potential to become a headline writer’s dream.
Especially if the game for a laugh singer-songwriter turns out to be, shall we say, erm, not particularly proficient.
Murder on the Dancefloor . . . you’d better not kill the groove . . . If I Can’t Dance . . . you can almost hear the page designers licking their lips as they pore over the titles and lyrics of her chart-topping tunes for a piece of tragically cruel irony.
Chances are they’re not going to be disappointed. Poor Sophie’s apparently already battered and bruised after a few clumsy days in the rehearsal room.
But wait. If you want to bemoan a true piece of cold-blooded murder on the dance floor, then you really shouldn’t be preparing to aim your bile at the BBC’s shimmering success story.
Oh no, simply waltz on over to ITV where you’ll find Strictly’s thinly veiled rip-off rival, Stepping Out.
The amazingly original twist here, which we’re told makes the show far more fresh and exciting (!) is that celebrities don’t take to the floor with a professional partner, but with their own other halves. Then get judged, and put to the public vote. Sound familiar?
I’m not quite sure which is the most unpleasant; ITV’s ruthless bid to confuse viewers and spoil Strictly’s launch party, or the sight of hapless celebs desperately restraining themselves from having a full-blown domestic in front of the whole nation.
I say the whole nation, but actually – and somewhat reassuringly – viewing figures have been paltry. Were it not for the surreal and cringeworthy quiz show I Love My Country on the other side, hosted by the try-hard former Strictly contestant Gabby Logan, it’s hard to imagine why anyone would be tuning in at all.
Because from bhangra to ballroom, disco to street, there’s literally no dance style they’ve failed to abuse.
Now if all of this sounds a tad Victor Meldrew, and mean-spirited, well good. Because it’s meant to.
Of course, for some people, car crash telly is a treat. The bigger the pile-up, the more satisfying.
So, for those who do feel the urge to immerse yourself in Stepping Out’s dramatic climax, one final cautionary piece of advice: don’t forget to turn down the volume - it is, after all, presented by the shouty queen of the box, Davina McCall, that over-exciteable lady who has no need for a microphone, but bawls down it anyway.
Mercifully, after tonight, there’s only one more week of Stepping Out to endure, until it sashays off our screens, leaving the way clear for Strictly to show how these ‘journeys’ really should be taken.
Brucie may be past his use-by date as he approaches his 154th birthday, but at least breakfast TV news darling Susanna Reid is waiting in the wings this year, ready to quickstep in if he loses his increasingly painful battle with the pesky autocue.
As legendary boxing presenter Michael Buffer almost says every weekend, ‘Let’s get ready to rumba . . .’