"Do they have chocolate cake?"
"Erm, they have low-fat beetroot and chocolate cake."
Well, you can imagine my disappointment.
As we all know, no one goes to a health farm to actually get healthy.
We go to sit in a hot tub, get a back rub and then drink an entire bottle of prosecco in bed while watching telly.
No one does the yoga classes, no one takes the bikes for a spin around the grounds, no one drinks the wheatgrass shots.
What we’re looking for from these establishments is naughty-but-nice food and drink in lazy, luxurious surroundings. Basically, a KFC with a sauna attached.
I’ve just got back from one of these fancy-schmancy places, all white robes, flip flops and plinky plonky music, and had the shock of my life upon realising everything on the menu was healthy.
The beetroot and chocolate cake, which, I’m sorry, was 99 per cent beetroot, one per cent chocolate, was just the beginning of things.
The Full English had grilled turkey bacon, grilled mushrooms and no sausages. Yeah, that’s right, no sausages. Can you even imagine such a world?
The ‘dessert’ menu featured fruit salads, fruit jellies and, erm, fruit, while lunch was a delightful mix of bean sprouts, noodles and carrots. Mmmm.
Over the course of the two days, my poor little Black Country bod went into shock.
So used to surviving on black coffee, cheese sandwiches and Crunchies, it just didn’t know what to do with a bowl of soaked muesli topped with figs and grapefruit. It wasn’t impressed though, I’ll tell you that much. Where was the sugar? Where were the carbs?
All of which brings me to my point: Being healthy sure is hard work.
The food is no fun, the exercise is boring and the devotees are strange Stepford-type people.
Supermodel Rosie Huntington-Whiteley recently revealed the secret to her sparkling skin is four litres of water each and every day.
Four litres? Quite how she has the time to drink four litres and then deal with the loo-hopping after-effects is beyond me.
Davina McCall barely eats sugar because ‘it’s toxic and feeds tumours’, Craig David’s in the gym 24/7 and when Jennifer Aniston wants a treat, she eats a kale chip. Word to the wise Jen, a kale chip is not a treat. An entire tub of Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream? Now that’s a treat.
The whole world seems to have gone just a little bit mad when it comes to diet and exercise.
Of course keeping your heart in check and a spring in your step is vital but I’m a fully paid-up member of the ‘a little of what you fancy does you good’ club.
I’m pretty sure a proper chocolate cake instead of that weird sci-fi hybrid would have put a proper smile on my face and sent me on my merry way around the spa. Who knows, I may even have swam a few extra lengths of the pool thanks to the extra energy? Let’s not get carried away though.
I’m not saying we should be having Big Macs for breakfast and Domino’s for dinner every night of the week, but the odd treat here and there makes our whole existence just that little bit sweeter.
Put simply, life’s too short for beetroot cake.