The online guide to your politics

Blogger of the Year PETER RHODES on who you should vote for, Britain's leaky borders and the only Welsh word you'll ever need

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Welsh for “You're nicked”

TRY the questionnaire at the IsideWith website http://uk.isidewith.com/results/625500026 and it'll tell you which party most closely reflects your views on everything from the death penalty to GM foods. I suspect some Labour voters will discover they are more Right-wing than they imagined but it looks like harmless amusement. My result shows I have a 64 per cent bias towards Plaid Cymru on education and transportation issues. Well, knock me down with a plufyn.

PLUFYN? It's Welsh for feather and you'll probably never need to know that. Indeed, the only Welsh word you need to recognise is on the side of white vans hiding around every corner, with a speed gun: Heddlu.

A COURT heard how a 22-year-old imposter strolled around aircraft at Birmingham Airport and boarded a Lufthansa airliner, claiming to be the co-pilot. While this “drunken escapade” was going on, don't you wonder how many innocent and irritated passengers were being asked to remove their shoes, hand over their toothpaste or their face cream or submit to a body frisk at the airport by “security staff”? Amid all the jets, someone deserves a rocket.

AFTER the Birmingham Airport incident, an airport spokesman said: "The safety and security of our passengers is our number one priority.” Blimey, that's a relief.

IF any British jihadists fail in their desire to become martyrs and decide to resume a normal life in Britain, how could we possibly stop them? It is easy to talk about confiscating their passports or revoking their UK citizenship. But if these characters can slip effortlessly out of Britain, across Europe and into Iraq and Syria, why should they find the return journey any more difficult?

POLITICIANS talk boldly of “strengthening our borders,” by which they usually mean recruiting more security staff (as seen at Birmingham Airport, gawd help us) and doubling the guard at Dover. But Britain has a coastline of about 11,000 miles. Why would any jihadist obligingly turn up at one of our major ports or airports? A few days ago police found 15 illegal immigrants from Eritrea and Kashmir on a lorry at Ilminster in Somerset, a timely reminder that the South-West has an abundance of little harbours and creeks ideal for landing small groups of people. The truth is that illegal immigrants flood into Britain every day, unseen and unmonitored. A former Home Office speech writer Alasdair Palmer claims in an article that the dramatic failure of the Government's “e-borders” project is not down to useless computers but to ministers who do not want the full scale of migration revealed. He says a properly functioning e-border system would “almost certainly show there were at least 200,000 additional illegal immigrants coming into Britain every year.” Finding one bloody-handed jihadist in that torrent of humanity would be like tracing a single drop of water in a shower.

I AM no cheerleader for the EU but well done , Brussels, on a new directive which will limit the power of vacuum cleaners to 1,600 watts. I am the proud owner of a 2,100-watt Hoover, purchased in the belief that you cannot have too much oomph. The reality is that it fastens itself to the carpet like a gigantic limpet and when you finally finish cleaning, you have to hammer the carpet tacks down.

THE EU is also outlawing the sale of two-stroke outboard motors for boats. There is a loophole, however. You can still buy a two-stroke if you can prove to the dealer's satisfaction that you are a “non pleasure user.” Under no circumstances smile.

Comments for: "The online guide to your politics"

Lakeside

Heddlu round every corner. Absolutely. And you know what Peter, they target the tourist routes in order to guarantee that they get a good haul of people who are less familiar with the roads. Travel from the West Midlands to the Welsh coast and you will usually pass at least two of these vans. And Wales has no leeway, if you are monitored at 33 in a 30 you will get done, no questions.

The answer, of course, is to take revenge by not visiting the place, deprive them of tourist revenue that they desperately need and let economic harsh reality take its course. Wales is like America, lovely country, lovely scenery, but the less said about the people the better.