Tettenhall wants out: How to solve the Wolverhampton independence question

Hey! Why are you all throwing rotten fruit at me? And what's with all the burning torches and the chants of, "Kill! Kill! Kill the nimby!"

Yes, it's true, I may be the E&S columnist who you have all come to know and tolerate, but I also, on the rare occasions that I am not working, live in Tettenhall. As such, I am currently about as popular in the wider Wolverhampton as black pudding at a vegan retreat. What, you all seem to be asking, is our problem up on the Green?

I've watched the events of the last few days unfolding with no small amount of amusement as the people who run my sleepy little village (I don't own it, you understand, I just rent a flat there) have once again decided that they wish to secede from the Wolverhampton union and run the show themselves.

You won't need an encyclopaedic memory to recall that this is the second time that Tettenhall has threatened to take its ball and go home in the last year.

Quite why they've decided to step up their efforts again now is not apparent, beyond a palpable ongoing dissatisfaction with the way the city is being run. Last time, of course, it was the collective horrified recoil when it was announced that a funfair was being planned for the village's Upper Green that kick-started all the secession talk – Tettenhall united in complaint at the possibility of noise and smell and undesirable types befouling our footways and threatened to do one, and the funfair never happened.

But we're at it again, without even the ghastly possibility of honking dodgems and whiffy hot dog stands to explain why.

Tettenhall councillor Jonathan Yardley knows why: "The city is run by a deadbeat council who use Tettenhall as a milk cow to raise money for other areas of the city," he snarls.

But then, in the words of Mandy Rice-Davies, well, he would say that, wouldn't he? He is, after all, a Conservative councillor, so it's part of his remit to call Labour councillors 'deadbeat', and indeed part of Labour council leader Roger Lawrence's to call him 'a morally bankrupt individual' by way of a retort.

The source of all this Tory ire seems to be that those pesky Labour types keep earmarking Tettenhall for new developments in addition to abortive funfairs, when all the locals want is to be left well alone, the village being adorable and idyllic enough exactly as it is, thank you very much.

Predictably, we, as a conurbation, have been accused of myopic nimbyism, and the online commentators have had a field day. These are some of the more amusing ones from expressandstar.com:

LordToffinghamOfTettenhall: "Wolverhampton Council can't cater for the needs of a fine, affluent village. All they're good for is compounding the decaying urban hell of Wolverhampton."

LordToffinghamOfTettenhall (again): "I say we build a 12 foot high steel wall at the border with Wolverhampton! And make THEM pay for it!"

MrW: "Don't forget to install border controls and passports for the hoi polloi to be kept out! Maybe Tubbs and Edward can be your border guards?"

Philf: "The vox pops are asking the wrong question: does the rest of Wolverhampton want Tettenhall to do one? More than happy to person the checkpoint on The Rock."

Funny stuff, although to be fair, Tettenhall has more than its fair share of urban decay and hardship – it's April and they still haven't got rid of the Christmas tree from the shopping arcade I live in, for example. They just left it by the bins to go off. Harsh times, reader, harsh times.

But I come not to agree with these, admittedly hilarious, comments, rather to appeal for tolerance and understanding during this potential divorce, because divorces are always messy and CAN'T WE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

It is true, I have to admit, that Tettenhall does have a slight problem with 'airs and graces'. It is, one might say, the Keeping Up Appearances to the wider city's Raised By Wolves (although perhaps Bottom might be a better choice).

But, to quote a popular haircare product advertisement slogan, we're worth it.

If you can get past the cold disdain for change and outside meddling, then you'll see a delightfully picturesque village with a paddling pool where youngsters may gambol and splash.

Our frequent Make It Or Bake It food festivals are a delight.

We have two great butchers, two charming Italian eateries, a truly top drawer Bangladeshi takeaway (Adrak, if this doesn't get me 20 per cent off all future keema naan purchases, then I have nothing to say to you) and a cafe called Gluttons For Nourishment, which deserves mention on the grounds of its name alone.

We also have not one but two village greens, which is almost unique in the whole UK, even though those of us who live on Upper Green look down on Lower Green in every sense of the phrase.

I'd argue, though, that the reason why we Tettenhallians are prone to being a tad 'difficult' is simple, and it has nothing to do with Big C and small c conservatism, fear of the outsider and a Little Englander mentality.

No, I think it's more simple than that. In a nutshell, Tettenhall doesn't have a really top quality boozer. The Dog And Gun, The Rock and The Royal Oak are all fine in their own way, but next to a Newhampton, a Royal Oak (Compton Road version) or a Hail To The Ale, they're pretty aggregational affairs.

I can't help but think that the pervading dissatisfaction, the mal a Tet if you like, started when The Mitre, with its front-and-back beer gardens and towering burgers, closed its doors. We just haven't been the same since.

If you really want to know what to do about a problem like Tettenhall, then give it the truly cracking pub it deserves.

And then you may just find that we loosen up a little.

We can put all this unpleasantness behind us, and Wolverhampton, for all its faults, can be a truly united city once again.