The best of this week’s Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

DEFINITIONS for our time. ECNALUBMA: rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

REJOICE. Scientists in Geneva think they may be close to a glimpse of the elusive Higgs Boson, the so-called God particle. The Old Chap Himself remains as elusive as ever.

I NEVER thought I’d write this but I thoroughly enjoyed the Royal Variety Show (ITV). It was witty, intelligent and varied. The Boy with Tape on his Face, Tim Minchin’s three-minute song  and that brilliant Wild West shoot-out  with balloons and staple guns were moments to cherish. Do not even try to figure out how Penn & Teller do their  stuff. Just believe in magic.

DOESN’T the show’s big star, Barry Manilow, look odd these days? What is going on with his cheeks? If he really wants to look like a hamster, he could try performing in a very large wheel.

CURIOUS thing but the longer the Leveson Inquiry goes on, the more nostalgic I get for the News of the World. It produced some great scoops (which were shamelessly  followed up by more respectable newspapers) and occasionally shone a light into dark areas of genuine concern. Now that we know the Guardian “false hope” story was wrong and the News of the World did not delete Milly Dowler’s voicemails, any chance of bringing the paper back? I have a growing belief that in the great scheme of things, the News of the World was probably more valuable than the Guardian.

HOW sad to hear  that Thomas Cook is closing 200 branches. It is often assumed that the only people using travel agents are little old ladies who still think you need pesetas in Spain and believe the internet is some sort of darning stitch. Not so. I spend half my life online and could whip up a DIY holiday in no time. But good travel agents are worth their weight in euros, and just because you know how to do something online, it doesn’t mean you have to. A couple of years ago we wanted a week in Sardinia. We got a travel agent  to put together a package of flight, accommodation and transfer. The transfer turned out to be a big, air-conditioned Mercedes which whisked us down to Pula and made us feel like royalty. Of course,  we could have saved money by planning it all ourselves but we would probably have ended up sharing a grotty taxi. Travel agents know the ropes. They are a national treasure and we either use them or lose them.

THERE is much harrumphing in Fleet Street over moves by the Government to extend the definition of domestic abuse to include “coercive control,” such as withholding money from a partner. In fact, the definition used by some local councils and charities already goes way beyond the Government plans. Women’s Aid, for example, includes emotional abuse “between adults who are or have been intimate partners.” In the history of mankind, I wonder how many couples have gone from being partners to ex-partners without one of them feeling a degree of emotional abuse. She says: “I don’t love you any more.” He calls the police. Domestic abuse, innit?

THAT amiable old eurosceptic and MP for Stone,  Bill Cash, has written a fine biography of the great Victorian reformer John Bright. I have a certain interest in the subject, thanks to my great-grandfather. He was born in 1873 in an age when people often named their children after politicians, royalty or Christian virtues. It was an era which threw up thousands of little Alberts, Victorias, Gladstones and Charities. But I have only ever known one person named after the subject of Bill Cash’s biography. My great-grandfather was Bright Laycock. What a great name.

IT AIN’T over. The  posting of 213 images of suspects wanted for the August riots is a heart-warming reminder that the cops are still on the case. The big difference between criminals and the law-abiding is that criminals do not think long-term. They may use certain c-words but “consequences” is not one of them. The investigation goes on. The net is closing.

AN OBJECTIONABLE, foul-mouthed little toerag (can you see where my sympathies lie on this one?)  is caught without a valid rail ticket, refuses to pay up and hurls the f-word at a conductor who dares to order him off the train. At this point, most of us bury ourselves in our newspapers and pretend it isn’t happening. But the 21.33 Edinburgh to Perth service happened to be carrying “Big Man”  Alan Pollock, a Peter Kay lookalike who grabbed  the teenager and put him off the train. It hardly needs adding that the youth is now claiming to have been assaulted,  His father is demanding  Mr Pollock be prosecuted and  British Transport Police are investigating. I fear this will end badly for the Big Man. This is no land for heroes. Eyes down. Pretend it isn’t happening

THE arrival of the giant pandas at Edinburgh Zoo prompts  a reader to send me  one of those all-time classic headlines from the golden age of newspaper blunders: “Panda Mating Fails; VeterinarianTakes Over .”

MORE of your great unrecorded quotes from history. “I preferred the anaglypta.” (Pope Julius II to Michaelangelo, in the Sistene Chapel) “What do you mean, in the bullrushes?” (Pharaoh to daughter).

HAVE you noticed  that whenever someone says there will be a drought unless it rains soon, it always rains?